I asked my three-year-old recently how he would do things if he ruled the world. Because he can’t fully articulate this just yet, I observed him in everyday life and wrote it down for him – I think this is pretty much what he’d decree if he was in charge:
- Playtime at 5am is permitted seven days a week, and singing loudly is actively encouraged.
- Putting bits of dinner into your drink is a scientific experiment and is therefore educational.
- Pouring your drink into your dinner is artistic and therefore educational.
- Having a crayon in your hand is license to draw on the floor. Obviously.
- Wearing pyjamas outdoors and walking on wet grass in bare feet is perfectly fine – getting dressed is no longer mandatory.
- The request for a sandwich at bedtime in spite of leaving dinner uneaten must be honoured (after all, the dinner is wet – you poured your drink in it)
- Eating other people’s dinners is totally fine, and putting your hands into those dinners is a great idea – no, don’t feel you need to ask permission, just dig in.
- Using your hands instead of a paintbrush is a means of nurturing creativity, as is wiping them on the wall afterwards.
- Possession is nine-tenths of the law: all toys grabbed from siblings are now yours.
- In any adjudication of a fight with siblings, the defendant (you) will always be found not guilty. Because you’re small and cute and a little bit scary.
- Shouting is sanctioned under freedom of expression.
- If asked who put the toddler-sized painted hand-prints on the wall, plead the fifth.
- Grabbing sharp knives is legal, because “me need cut mine beans”
- Strapping yourself into your car-seat without help, no matter how long it takes, or how late your mum is, falls within your civil liberties.
- If grown-ups cut your toast when you don’t want them to cut your toast, you can punish them in any way you see fit. Make it tough – otherwise they will never learn.
- You have a licence to remain in the bath for as long as you like, even if a parent has emptied all the water and pleaded with you for twenty minutes.
- Keeping an illicit stash of soothers by your bedside is within your rights, no matter how often they try to wean you off them. Hold strong on this.
- Absconding at bedtime is just part of the routine – don’t let them pen you in before you’re good and ready.
- You have the right to remain silent. But really, why would you do that?
For some things to do with your baby before he or she becomes a marauding toddler, check out these ideas I put together for Mothers and Babies magazine with the Independent: Home Truths
15 thoughts on “If toddlers ruled the world”
Excellent, hilarious piece of writing!
Thanks Catherine for the lovely comment!
Numbers 6 and 16 bring back memories for me! Several others remind me of my nieces. All very true and funny to read!
Mary Conneely recently posted…Developing A Good Relationship With Your Special Needs Child’s School
Thanks Mary! Yes, I reckon there are lots of little people who fit this bill 🙂
Haha. Yeah, todders – sort of the Sinn Fein of the early years pack with the infringement of arbitrary civil liberties, and creative approaches to injustice.
I will now devote my life’s work to making my toddler less like Sinn Fein – this is the wake-up call I needed 🙂
Wait! Relief is round the corner… apparently they morph into the Green Party in their teens with a brief detour into the Socialist Worker Party in the early twenties. I think I should stop digging a hole for myself here now with my woeful analogies. Your wee boy is too adorable for such lowly comparisons 🙂
Green Party already on the way with the seven year old – I think I can just about handle that but little worried about the Socialist Worker Party, or indeed, becoming Paul Murphy 🙂
*sharp intake of breath* You know there’s a post in this somewhere. I’d only convert it into a rant so take it away there like a good woman. Political values through the ages.
No chance – this is absolutely your domain. Rant away – looking forward to it!
As ever, you have hit the nail on the head. At time I wonder would it be better to let them rule ( although to be honest my three year old probably does rule our world) I’m just weary of the battle at times!!
Great post x
Life on Hushabye Farm recently posted…Falling In Love Again
Thanks Elizabeth – and yes, sometimes I do just let him rule, it is so much easier
Haha, brilliant, and so true… every one of them!
Naomi Lavelle recently posted…A day of laughter with Netflix and the Unbreakable Kimmy Smidth
I am sure you are living every one of them too!
Yes. Oh, yes. Love it.
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