It’s after-school activity sign-up time, and having just had my first summer at home with the kids, I’m looking for some quite specific courses:
1. How to get through the day without changing your clothes fourteen times
A course which isn’t necessary for anyone who has a diploma in “putting clothes back in the wardrobe” but is mandatory for everyone else.
2. Ready Brek pouring for beginners
Because sweeping and wiping up tiny Ready Brek particles every single morning gets old. There is an advanced course for parents who are pretty good at pouring cereal generally, but have occasional slips (literally and figuratively)
3. Degree in Reading the Signals
Knowing when to let go of a sibling – like if he’s roaring crying, the hug is too tight. And pulling him around the house by his legs isn’t fun if he’s shouting for you to stop. Those kinds of subtle signals.
4. Masters in Reading the Signals
Suitable for kids who have successfully completed the degree course but cannot read the “For the love of God, do not come near me for the next twenty minutes – this is not a good time to ask me for anything” facial expression.
5. Baking is child’s play
Basic baking skills, focusing on “How to make buns without thumping your sister.”
6. Third Gear: A step-by-step course for getting out of the house in under three hours
This is one that kids and parents can attend together, because kids are not the only ones who hold things up
7. Communication 101
Includes modules on “Do not shout from upstairs when your mother is downstairs with the extractor fan on,” and “Asking without crying makes everyone easier to understand.”
8. Degree course in Diplomacy
A very technical course geared towards helping siblings solve their own rows without the intervention of an adult. Special focus on case studies including “Everyone wanted the same toy,” “Her elbow touched off me,” and “She laughed at my drawing.”
9. Advanced Language Skills
This course is solely dedicated to understanding the difference between “by accident” and “on purpose”
10. Management Information Systems for library users
One for all the family. Keep track of the books you have borrowed, the books you’ve renewed, the books that have been read but not returned, and the ones that are lost. Very suitable for families who regularly end up with 23 books out on loan at the same time (yep)
11. Train your brain to close cupboard doors
Special discount for accompanying dads. Just saying.