It’s 8.30. The kids are finally in bed. Emmie will be down in a few minutes, to say her water glass isn’t full enough or she had a bad dream while she was awake, or her nose is itchy. I’ll kiss her again and in the same breath, I’ll ask her to promise to stay upstairs this time.
There’ll be some thundering noises from two girls who fail to realise we can here every footstep on the wooden floors above.Then finally, silence.
I’ll finish wiping counters and checking lunch boxes and signing homework. And then the niggling thought will slip in uninvited.
The one about how I didn’t really see them today.
Sure, I saw them this morning. For twenty minutes, before I rushed out to work. Emmie waving me off at the front door. Clara upstairs, still half-asleep, too tired to register my goodbye kiss. Sam telling me to go back to bed for morning cuddles. But I can’t, because of work.
And sure, I saw them this evening. I’m lucky – I’m home by 5 every day. First there’s the handover chat with the childminder. Then an attempt to catch up with the kids, who usually all talk at once – and why wouldn’t they, I’ve been gone all day. Or sometimes nobody talks – they’re all engrossed in their own activities and want to keep going – and why wouldn’t they, I’ve been gone all day.
Then we do homework, and I try to find out what happened at school today. Sometimes I’m good at this, sometimes I’m not.
Then there’s TV while I clean up and make lunches, then bedtime, which starts slowly and inevitably ends up rushed.
It’s 8 o’clock, quick brush your teeth, it’s time to lie down now, where’s your uniform, stay in bed, I’ll get it, yes I’ll bring you a drink of water, I’ll do it right now, only don’t get out of bed again, please go to bed. Please. Go. To. Bed.
And then I’m wiping down counters, and wondering where the time went. And feeling guilty that another whole day went by, and I didn’t really see them.
Well, I did sit at the kitchen table with Clara for a five minutes while she read her book out loud – I took a break from making dinner, and just sat, and listened (It’s called “School for Stars” – I think it’s giving her notions)
I did sit on the bed upstairs for two minutes to watch Emmie to her daily recital of Let It Go, then applauded wildly (if she’s an X-Factor auditionee in the future, it will be my fault for giving her false hope)
And I did give Sam a bath – not because he needed one, but because it’s a way of keeping him out of trouble for ten minutes. And he loves baths.
It’s not amazing – ten minutes here, five minutes there, but I do feel relieved that I can pinpoint a little bit of one-on-one time with each of them.
And it gave me the idea to start saying it to them when I kiss them goodnight. Because it forces me to make sure I really did have some time with each of them, and I hope it sends them to sleep feeling like they had time with me.
So I kiss Clara goodnight, and say, “Thank you for reading to me earlier – I love listening to you read.” I kiss Emmie goodnight, and say, “Thank you for singing for me earlier – I love listening to you sing.” And I kiss Sam goodnight, saying, “Thank you for not drenching me when you had your bath earlier – I love watching you have fun there.”
Maybe I’m being manipulative – nudging them towards thinking we had more time together than we did, but if I am, so be it. I feel better, and maybe they do too. It’s never enough, but I’ll take it.
And I suspect that if I can push the guilt aside, push the theory away, and see clearly for a moment, I can see that they’re a happy little bunch. They don’t over-think it or over-analyse it the way I do. They have school and homework and playtime and bedtime, and they do it all again the next day. They’re happy. For them, it’s entirely enough.
On the subject of manipulation: fans of House of Cards will know that Frank Underwood is the master. Would his tactics work in parenting? I realised recently that they already do… (for Scary Mommy): How House of Cards Inspires My Parenting
17 thoughts on “Never Enough”
Such an apt post for this time of every night when the counter wiping starts to compete with the phone !! Really enjoyed it!
Oh I love that – the counter-wiping competing with the phone! We need some kind of contraption so we can read Twitter while we wipe the counters maybe… When the kids are in bed, of course 🙂
It can be so difficult when you look and see half the day is gone and you’ve barely seen them; but definitely I’m of the same school of thought as yourself. They seem like a very happy, well adjusted bunch from all accounts – we’re all doing the best we can.
Lisa – Four Walls, Rainy Days recently posted…Writing about Sunroofs
They are all so fine, and we absolutely are doing the best we can. And we’d always find something to worry about. I think what was bothering me, and I didn’t really write it clearly in the post or in my replies to The Clothesline and Suzy, is that work is the excuse for why I don’t spend time with the kids, but then when I do have a window of time with them in the evenings, I don’t use its full potential. Guilt!!
This is gorgeous and made me well up!
Ah thanks Anna!
Even though I’m at home all day the guilt is still there: did she have enough fun, did she get outside, did I look at my phone repeatedly, did I pay enough attention, was there too much TV…? The fact that we ask these things shows how lucky they are.
Suzy recently posted…Filthy hippy
That is interesting to know, and I kind of suspected it, based on the fact that I have the same worries on Fridays when I’m off with them, perhaps just less intensely than I do on the work day, because I can kid myself that I gave them more attention than I did. And I completely agree – the fact that we worry means we must be doing something right.
I am with Suzy above. I am at home at the minute and regularly ask myself the same thing. Guilt really is the gift that keeps giving.
I think I am the same when I’m off with them, but as I said to Suzy below, it’s easier to trick myself into thinking I was present when I’m off. But in reality, there’s always something to do, and I’m not exactly spending days off down on the floor playing with them… Feckin’ guilt.
Hi, It’s crazy how we all beat ourselves up. I work weekends and my kids give me grief for it. I’m not there for friend’s birthday parties etc. I am here all week but I sometimes think they’d be better with a childminder. I spend so much time blogging and all the social media that goes with it and I resent them getting in the way of something that makes me feel accomplished for the first time in 20 years. I do pause and give them some quality one on one time but I feel shit when they’re in bed.. it’s a really tough balancing act and one that I’m still figuring out. xxx
Aisling Ozdemir recently posted…Kid’s parties and other horror stories…
It’s so tough! It’s like we all know what we want to do, but then go and regularly do something different. And maybe that’s just how it’s supposed to be. As long as we’re trying, we’re not terrible people. Mostly 🙂
I’m with the girls. I’m at home all day and still question whether she’s had enough one on one time. I’m always beating myself up too if it’s been a busy day or if baby has clingy/teething day.
Kellie Kearney recently posted…Sophie La Girafe Review & Giveaway
Lovely, honest post and comments too! Thank you comrades.
Tracie recently posted…Do you have any phobias?
I remember reading this and relating to it before but I don’t seem to have commented here. We give ourselves such a hard time, imagine if we felt as guilty about not taking a break for ourselves!
(Also, your kids look so tiny here!)
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